What is…?

So, maybe my last several entries have not been on the greatest of notes. Things have happened to me that were never expected which, hey, that is life. Yes, I understand that things happen in life that we can not control.

Okay, I am now troubled because I am wondering if this is part of what is known as a mid-life crisis. LOL Yes, I am heading for 40 and things are not slowing down for me. What is a mid-life crisis anyway? See, I can’t remember if my father had one because he passed away when he was 44.

Am I getting scared because I am 7 years away from my father’s age? Am I worried that history is about to do a three-peat? My grandfather and father had the same cancer, so will I? Hey, I followed in both of their footsteps with having to have a back surgery. My grandfather had two as I did, so…is it fear?

A good friend of mine reminded me that I do have a wonderful life, good job, great family, and just about everything that anyone should want. But for some reason, I do not feel as if I am on top of the world. Maybe it is just that, I am heading for that hill where once you get up over it, then life is grand again. I just don’t know what to think.

Still, I wonder why I am here and what my goal is in life. Granted, I have helped hundreds of people to find a career in drafting. Is that my goal? Yes, I am about to coach young men in soccer. Is that my goal? Yes, I have been busy raising three girls, with help of course. Is that my goal? Maybe it is the fact that I don’t know where I am going, what I am doing, and what my goals are to be. Am I frustrated with my life?

I look at my family and what they achieved in life and feel as if I am coming up short. My grandfather grew up on a farm, went to war, came home raised a family, worked as a machinist and was well loved by everyone. At his funeral, there was not a dry eye or a harsh word against him. He was the most loving, patient man that I have ever known. My father grew up in the suburbs, joined the army, worked for the state, worked as a police officer, and again, was well loved by everyone. Also, at his funeral, there was not a dry eye and again, not a harsh word ever said against him. Now me, okay, I grew up in the suburbs, worked as an architect until I got burned out, am teaching and a father. But, I lack the patience that both my grandfather and father had, instead, I have a temper that stands out. As well as, I know that there are a few harsh words that have been said and are still being said about me.

Well, I will stop there, because I have probably either depressed you or ticked you off. Either way, I have no idea who I am, what I am here for and where I am going. Ugh!!!!!!!!

Morality

Let us take a walk into the theme of “Why Are We Here?” Today’s walk is through the land of Morality. For those of you that have no idea of what morality, it is defined as such: noun: concern with the distinction between good and evil or right and wrong; right or good conduct.


So, if we are to conclude that life is meant to be lived in the shadow of goodness, then why are there so many people that walk on the dark side? There are days that I want to walk on the dark side and see what it is like, but I have never been able to walk that path. There are times where I would love to take that low road, but just can’t bring myself to do it.

The reason behind this question is because a lot of women are attracted to the “bad boys”. I have always been the guy that falls under the old saying, “Nice guys finish last.” Well, after a while, I do get tired of finishing last. It would be excellent to be able to see what it would be like to be one of those guys.

Alright, I am happy with myself, but it is just not fair that these guys are out there doing what ever they please and winning. While there are guys like me that follow the rules to a T and just don’t get anywhere. So, why does life reward evil or non-moral individuals? Is this fair? Ugh!!!!!!!!

Soccer

Wow!!!!!! We had our soccer meeting the other night and there were 53 boys there!!!! Oh, did I mention that I am coaching soccer at my high school this year? Man, I am sure I am ready for this. If I didn’t have another quandary, here is this one…

I haven’t coached soccer at this level. I coached my daughter’s team when she was three. All that I had to do was teach them to dribble, how to pass, and which direction the goal was!!!! How hard was that? Soccer at this level of competition is not going to be easy.

Here is the other problem involved with all of this; I am a football and basketball player!!! I did not play soccer at any level other then in gym class. I love American Football!!! I truly loved basketball when I played. Soccer really wasn’t that big when I was growing up. It became big in the 90’s, so that was past my prime.

Well, I am predicting that we are going 0-18. LOL No, I hope that we at least win 9 games. If we make it at least .500 I will be okay with that. I don’t like to lose, so these boys better be ready. The other coach said he thinks we could have a better year then I was guessing. Who knows, but these kids are going to have to perform of me. I won’t accept mediocrity.

GO PIRATES!!!!!!!!!

Quandaries

Quandaries!!!! Why is it that in everyone’s life there has to be quandaries? This is another part of my “Why are we here?” theme.


Yes, I know that life brings us all sorts of choices, forks in the road, and challenges. But why is it that they always come at the most inopportune times? Okay, I guess they wouldn’t be challenges if they were planned.


Well, the ghost that has come back in my life wants more out of me then I am capable of. It seems as if when our paths do cross that one of us is not available. Why is it that when you want something, sometimes people don’t understand.


Oh, boy, there are feelings that I do have, but am not going to allow. Sadly, I hate to admit that I still have feelings. I thought they were gone and buried, but not true. Don’t worry, though, I am not the type that would do anything. Point blank, I am happily married and there is no door of opportunity or even a crack.


Yes, I understand that you never know what the future holds, but I will not let anything destroy what I have now. So, quandary solved at this point. But it still doesn’t answer why we have to put up with the unwanted situations, challenges, etc.

Ghosts!!!

What a coincidence??? In my last entry I was speaking of ghosts and life after death, well, I had a ghost from my past pop into my life. Ouch, it was a pain that I really wasn’t ready for.

Okay, you are probably wondering what I am talking about. Well, I had a very close relationship with a person that I didn’t want to end. This person made me actually feel young, again. They could read my thoughts, see things about me that I didn’t want to admit about myself and made me feel like I was more then who I was.

I will let one of my skeletons out of my closet. I met this person when my ex and I were separated the first time before our divorce. Whether it was just because someone actually showed an interest in me and that they cared, or was it something else, I don’t know, but she made me feel alive again.

The sad thing is I was never ashamed of the relationship. In reality, I had hoped that there may have been more there then there was. Once my ex and I decided to try it again, I broke of any kind of relationship with this person. I regret the loss of something that might have been.

I guess there is still a wound from having to let her go. Maybe that is why it was a pain that I wasn’t planning on. Don’t worry, though, the only relationship I would offer would be as friends, nothing more. I am happy with my life, it was just very unexpected.

Think About This…

A friend of mine had been talking about how she felt that her grandmother, when she passed, had become a part of her new born son. Many religions and beliefs believe in an after life. So, I was pondering this thought.

There was a scientific study, where they weighed a person moments before they died and then just after they died and found that a person loses about 10% of their body weight when they die. Now, if you ask me to quote the study, I can not because I read this years ago. As I get older, I can’t remember where I have read things, but at least I am still remembering what I have read.

Yes, the “haters” as I have seen it quoted will say that it was the weight of the oxygen on the final exhale as well as the loss of bodily functions. Well, I do not believe that you lose that much in excrements and oxygen. There is something else that goes as well. As we have come to know, energy can not be created or destroyed, so the “energy” of your body is being transposed. Call it a soul or what you will, but I do believe this does happen.

The reason I bring this up is because I, too, often wonder if my father was passed on into my daughter. No, not by my genes, but by some Ultimate Power, if you will, it is my father. My grandmother gave me a picture of my father when he was about two or so. The other day, I compared it to a picture of my youngest daughter when she was the same age. Other then one being male and the other female, they had the same facial expressions and looked exactly alike. It was eerie, but I wonder if my father interceded because at the time my ex found out she was pregnant with Kenzie, we were separated. I truly wonder if he got involved and brought me back long enough to see her born and go through the trials of her being premature.

If he was trying to help save my family, I applaud his efforts, but sadly that did not come about. But here is the thing; I still see facial expressions in Kenz that are my dad’s. Just little smiles, mannerisms, etc. make me truly believe that he is inside of her or at least a part of him is.

So, what are your thoughts? Are we insane for believing this or is there something truly there. The ancient Hebrews believed in what is known as the “Guf” which is known as the hall of souls. As I stated, most religions believe in an after life, so, what do we do in it? Where do we go and how do we continue on? Hmmm

Holy Cow

Week one is just about done. Holy Cow!!!!!!!!!! I have close to 160 students, so I have been exhausted all week. It is amazing how fresh the kids are, yet, I am run down already. LOL

So far the kids seem to be very well behaved, but it is only the first week. Since this is my first full year at this school, I get to lay the ground work for the kids. Last year, I had to run with what rules were already set. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good year, but I would like to see certain things done my way!!!!

They have asked me to coach this year as well. I am going to be coaching soccer. I predict the year to be 0-18, since the only background I have in soccer is when I coached my daughter’s team when she was 3. I taught them how to dribble, pass, shoot, and which direction to go. Other then that, I was a football-basketball guy, so I am nervous about how this season will go.

Oh, did I mention that they have me out in the rotunda before school and after. I get to be the strong arm of the law. LOL They want to make sure that there are no fights, trouble, and that the kids follow the rules. It is funny because my fellow teachers were making fun of me because I have not smiled yet and that I am the Heavy. When that tardy bell rings, BOOM, I bellow out orders to the kids.

Anyway, the first week has been good. Oh, did I mention that the air conditioning has not been running. Now, that has been a royal pain in the ***. Sadly, I have been sweating my backside off. Which from what I am told, there isn’t much left to sweat off. LOL

So, for all of you that haven’t sent your kids back as of yet, the day is coming. LOL As much as I am grateful that my kids are back in school, I am sure their teachers are like yikes. So, remember us poor teachers when you have your back to school parties. LOL Go Pirates!!!!!!

New Beginnings

For those of you that know me should be aware that soon the insanity will begin. You may be asking your self, “What on earth is he talking about?” The answer is this, school starts on Wednesday. I have already been back a week, but the kids come Wednesday.

A new year for me, a new school and 150 new faces are about to be the norm for me. The new year part isn’t anything that I am afraid of. This is my 9th year teaching so there probably won’t be any surprises for me. I have seen many things in my 9 years, so I am okay. I have had everything from drug use, to alcohol, to female students hitting on me. Okay, the later was a big surprise because I am no spring chicken and about 30 lbs too heavy.

The new school, well, this is a bit of a fear. Yes, I was there for 4 months last year, but now it is the full year. We are talking all new things for me. Football games, Home Comings, Dances, Proms, Exams, etc aren’t new to me. Sadly, I did all those things 20 years ago. Yes, it will be my 20th reunion this upcoming school year. Wow, it is hard to believe that, but yes, I am getting older.

The 150 faces worry me as well. Some of them I had last year, but most of them will be new. From what I hear, all the freshmen coming in are very immature, so I am truly worried about that. I had one kid attack me last year that I dropped to his knees; I don’t want to have to do it again. I love the kids because they do keep me young. So, I am truly ready to have fun.

Wish me well. Just think it could be you in my shoes. LOL Patience is a word that you must understand. Trust me on this one. So, for all of you getting ready to send your little ones and not so little ones to school, just remember the poor soul that will be spending most of the year with them. Take care.