What is…?
So, maybe my last several entries have not been on the greatest of notes. Things have happened to me that were never expected which, hey, that is life. Yes, I understand that things happen in life that we can not control.
Okay, I am now troubled because I am wondering if this is part of what is known as a mid-life crisis. LOL Yes, I am heading for 40 and things are not slowing down for me. What is a mid-life crisis anyway? See, I can’t remember if my father had one because he passed away when he was 44.
Am I getting scared because I am 7 years away from my father’s age? Am I worried that history is about to do a three-peat? My grandfather and father had the same cancer, so will I? Hey, I followed in both of their footsteps with having to have a back surgery. My grandfather had two as I did, so…is it fear?
A good friend of mine reminded me that I do have a wonderful life, good job, great family, and just about everything that anyone should want. But for some reason, I do not feel as if I am on top of the world. Maybe it is just that, I am heading for that hill where once you get up over it, then life is grand again. I just don’t know what to think.
Still, I wonder why I am here and what my goal is in life. Granted, I have helped hundreds of people to find a career in drafting. Is that my goal? Yes, I am about to coach young men in soccer. Is that my goal? Yes, I have been busy raising three girls, with help of course. Is that my goal? Maybe it is the fact that I don’t know where I am going, what I am doing, and what my goals are to be. Am I frustrated with my life?
I look at my family and what they achieved in life and feel as if I am coming up short. My grandfather grew up on a farm, went to war, came home raised a family, worked as a machinist and was well loved by everyone. At his funeral, there was not a dry eye or a harsh word against him. He was the most loving, patient man that I have ever known. My father grew up in the suburbs, joined the army, worked for the state, worked as a police officer, and again, was well loved by everyone. Also, at his funeral, there was not a dry eye and again, not a harsh word ever said against him. Now me, okay, I grew up in the suburbs, worked as an architect until I got burned out, am teaching and a father. But, I lack the patience that both my grandfather and father had, instead, I have a temper that stands out. As well as, I know that there are a few harsh words that have been said and are still being said about me.
Well, I will stop there, because I have probably either depressed you or ticked you off. Either way, I have no idea who I am, what I am here for and where I am going. Ugh!!!!!!!!
posted by Brewster at 5:50 PM
4 Comments:
i have thought of ways to say this without sounding harsh, but i am having trouble coming up with one. so i'll just say it, and i am not saying it to be mean, but it could be taken that way.
that being said, you are neither your dad or your grandfather. you were young when your dad died, and as a sort of survival mechanism, we only remember the very best about the people we love so much. i am sure they had their faults too, it's ok to put them on a pedastel. but to say you feel unaccomplished because you don't think you measure up to them is just crazy talk. and that would NOT be what your dad would want for you right now. he would want you to enjoy every day. the small things, because in the end the little everyday things are the ones that matter the most.
and your dad looks at your brother and yourself and is proud of all your accomplishments, and the support you gave your mom, and the love you give your children. and that is what he wanted for you.
none of us knows our reasons for being here....HELLO? at least you affect hundreds of people in your life. i affect 3, but i tell myself that they will grow up to affect many. why are we here? i don't know that either, but i know i am doing the best i can till i figure it out..(ok i know it involves a beach).and so can you. stop looking back at what was...and look forward to what is coming. we can't change the past, but the future is yet to be decided.
(off my soapbox now)
and when is the first soccer game?
OK... I think I need to send you some M&Ms.... HAPPY PILLS!
First of all.... I agree with every little thing that "me" told you. You have a very good friend there....do NOT take him for granted.
Second of all.... we all have to remember to take each day as an opportunity to do right by someone. You have no idea who you affect each day. You may smile at a complete stranger not knowing they have not been smiled at for days on end. If you hold a door for someone, you may not realize that you just made them smile on the inside. You were put here on earth for a reason.... you are special to more people than you even realize! And not taking advantage of that would be sad.
If your father and grandfather were as special as you say they were, then you KNOW they are both looking down on you....so make them proud.
Don't mope around and be sad. That would be an insult to both of them. Use your life. Use your YOUTH. Use your talent. Give of yourself. If you have a temper, then acknowledge it and WORK on it. What do you want your girls to be saying about YOU when you are gone?
Every day is a good day. :)
Its ok to think all those things... though at the end of it you should always feel like you are where you are supposed to be. Things always change. Tomorrow could bring something unexpected.
Were all in different places in our lives and to compare lives is looking at apples and oranges. But you know that already.
Mid life crisis? Are you planning on getting sportscar and getting tattoos or piercings? :)
Smile!
I am 41, and have had many of the same feelings.
I could have made different choices in my life that may have made me more 'successful' in some monetary and societal way.
I choose to quantify my success in a different manner.
I look at my wife an children, and at my friends.
Do I do right by them? Do I provide what is needed to them.
Am I a good husband and father?
Am I worthy of the friendships that I have?
Those are the things that are at the core of 'success' in a man.
We tend to forget that (I know I do) in our modern, material world.
Be a good husband and father, and strive to be a GREAT husband and father.
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